today's little blurb is going to start with a blog about a blog. yes, i am truly and completely in love with Liquid Generation: The Suck My Blog. Apparently these guys run a 3 year old internet entertainment company or something of sort that specializes in random internet games, political-swipping aka Bush-wacking and other really cool design shit. yeah, they're both creative and hilarious. cool. what i don't get is how they make money out of this all.

while reading the endless archives with my morning cuppa, i stumbled upon a link to a clothing company called International Male, as part of jibe at "flaming metrosexuals" - the kind that don't realize they like men yet. anyways the clothing in this site is just whoa. i just didn't know what planet it fell out off.

take a look at this:




and accessories like this:



i can't figure who on earth buys from this store. it's like a combination of WWAAAAYYY pimpin' and WWWWAAAYY gay. wait i can't imagine any gay man daring to where something like this out to party. first thing that comes to mind here is Carrie's friend Stanford, from sex in the city. but as with everyone in sex in the city, he's an exaggerated caricature, the most flowery of the fae. and this. this is a real life store. so i was wondering where does international male come from. perhaps it's just an european thing. you know frenchmen.....(click)(click)San Diego. hmmmm....wait up. those diamond encrusted rings above cost $24.99? and that comes with an extended payment plan? HMMMMM. I believe i have stumbled upon a pimp store.

...suddenly the light occurred... Days of our Lives shopping gallery

there is a sense of pride of doing something such a nonsensically hard way, you end up not being to complete it. but you were almost there. and there is a sense of realizing you're just ain't that smart and giving and going back to the old way after 2 days of rolling in the mud.

yeah the something looks like this:

SELECT ctcode.ctclassification as classification1, ctcode.DESCRIPTION as description1, stock.sum_contact as sum_contact1 from(SELECT nvl((SELECT description from classification_code where code=classification),'No Classification') as classification,
nvl((SELECT rank from classification_code where code=classification),(SELECT max(rank) from classification_code)+1) as rank, contact_type, count(contact_type) as sum_contact
FROM (SELECT eh.nric, eh.episode_date, c.classification, c.classdate, eh.discharge_date,
nvl(decode(exp.comm_contact_type,null,decode exp.hospital_contact_type,null,0,exp.hospital_contact_type+10),exp.comm_contact_type),0) as contact_type,comm_contact_type,hospital_contact_type FROM
( /* episodes */
SELECT * FROM episode_history eh1 WHERE (nric,update_date) IN ( SELECT nric,max(update_date) FROM episode_history WHERE eh1.nric = nric AND eh1.episode_date = episode_date AND update_date < to_date(@reportDt1,'DD/MM/YYYY')+1 GROUP BY nric)
AND discharge_date IS null OR ((discharge='0' OR discharge='5') AND discharge_date > to_date(@reportDt1,'DD/MM/YYYY')) ) eh, ( /* classification */ SELECT * FROM classification c1 WHERE (nric,episode_date,update_date) IN ( SELECT nric,episode_date,max(update_date) FROM classification WHERE c1.nric=nric AND c1.episode_date = episode_date
AND update_date < to_date(@reportDt1,'DD/MM/YYYY')+1 GROUP BY nric, episode_date)
) c,
( /* exposure */ SELECT * FROM data_exposure exp2 WHERE (nric,episode_date,update_date) IN ( SELECT nric,episode_date,max(update_date) FROM data_exposure WHERE exp2.nric=nric AND exp2.episode_date = episode_date AND exp2.update_date < to_date(@reportDt1,'DD/MM/YYYY')+1 GROUP BY nric,episode_date)
) exp WHERE eh.nric=c.nric AND eh.episode_date=c.episode_date AND exp.nric(+)=eh.nric AND exp.episode_date(+)=eh.episode_date ) e group by classification, contact_type ) stock,
(SELECT classification_code.description as ctclassification, contact_code.code, contact_code.DESCRIPTION,classification_code.rank as classrank, contact_code.rank as contactrankFROM contact_code, classification_code WHERE classification_code.active=1 and contact_code.active=1) ctcode where stock.contact_type (+)= ctcode.code and stock.classification (+)= ctcode.ctclassification order by ctcode.classrank, ctcode.contactrank

...and on.

At a certain point i couldn't even understand what the FFFF i just wrote. need to wait for a few more years for my iq to up by 20 points and mebbe it'll click. Anyway i'm just too dizzy right now..... *8|

alone again. back to listening to my own voice echo in the caverns of mind. it is a strange familiar feeling. reassuring. this loneliness. i hate it, and when i feel that way i have the urge to bust out and look for someone to be there and just breathe for me. but for some reason, when i find the breath, i crave the silence again. and i claw at everything around, barb and push, trying to carve myself out of its surroundings.

it is silent and uncertain again. i have burnt all my bridges to this island. like a little north korea. a petulant kid with too much pride, and a penchant to prove it's worth with threats and nuclear bombs. only a fair exchange, you pack of liars out there. no cheating me with the food for oil scam. my threats are worth every silver american dollar. and don't put your hand too far down the chicken wire when you're passing over the goods!

and in a vicious self-destructive cycle, once again i have burnt all these bridges. i will proceed to mop a little. bawl my eyeballs out at how fucked up the world is. wake up and go build them all over again. well i'm telling myself these new bridges will be of better material and quality. after all, one learns from experience. aw man, mebbe i'm just kidding myself. whatever it is, i've adapted to this maladaptive lifestyle and it does make me run in circles like a dog after it tail, but hell, at least i'm MOVING.

so let's get jiggy, keep on moving baby, yeah shake that booty. jive jive. non-stop. spin the bottle, spin in circles. spin and spin and spiral to a point. faster and faster we go. into the light. until we finally sublimate into ecstacy.

or you can stop. right here. now. and cease to exist.

it's 2.44am. yeah late. but hanging out with quyen is making me to thoughtful, i think i have to write all this out before i go to sleep.

i've been feeling quite depressed lately because of the aimlessness of my life and worthlessness of my self. or mebbe the worthlessness of myself as a result of the aimlessness of my life. or vice versa. and pms. coupled with the shit going on at work. not getting the recognition or the monetary remuneration (bonus) while other more average pple fly while kissing boss asses. it's much worse considering a past of knowing and having pple tell you that you're dang top. knowing that you worked for that and it paid off and knowing now that you worked equally hard but you're not worth squat. it's a far fall down the pedestal (one that i made much effort to climb on) and every moment of it is jarring and smashing my will, heart and soul.

well let's just say talking to quyen really brought my out of the dumps and has given me a sense of comfort knowing there are kindred minds around. it kinda revolved around the question of corporate whoring, why someone of my thinking will be stuck in this situation (i don't say country becos it a matter of your role in within the society and thus your perspective) and what i'm going to do after my 4 years in this bond. i've been getting this question lots - especially at work, as colleagues are telling me that i'm not getting what i deserve and i'm quite different from your average lot of 24 years olds in singapore, and from my parents too, as i grumble about my situation - and it's really stressing me out.

"what do you want to do after these 6 years?"

the truth is i really don't know. know, the way amber knows she wants to be in fashion, the way may knows she's a designer, the way cheryl knows the calling is psych. and it plagues me at night. running through a list in my head of possible jobs. trying to come up with an inkling of interest, perhaps a goal, a path, perhaps... just any answer i can give. i like dancing, dancers? drumming, musician? event management? stay in IT? be a project manager? study psych? study sports therapy? .... a million and one things i have an interest for. a million and one possibilities. a dizzy array. a beginning of a spiral of despair at being completely lost.

and today i told that truth to quyen. that i don't really know what i want to do with life. the way most pple see it, i have arrived. a college degree. a stable job. a skill to last a lifetime. a time to settle down and proceed to take on the responsibilities. but this is not what i really want. and it is ok to begin later in life to search for it. 4 down. at 29. i'll be in her position. sick of the corporate whoring. and moving on to experience the possibilities. it's comforting to know someone who's there. i guess you would call it a sense of belonging when a common group or identity is found. apparently, this mentally is quite bay area. i am comforted. my people.

i came home showered, and as usual overly rationalizing, theory building self, proceeded to connect threads of social psychology together. the idea of a post baby boomer generation. actually more like gen x. not y. x. when mtv played nirvana not because it was liberated but because nirvana represented the music taste of that teenage population. i remember the words - on a stage, actors, players. the lost generation. thinking of sf tribe. building communities based on social rather than blood and life interaction ties. a whole segment of society. always needing to belong. but never fully. roving community to community to find the momentary connection. the rush of like-mindedness. as travellers, living long periods in the culture we visit. we don't travel to see. we travel to belong. how i pride myself in being the ultimate assimilator. give me any culture. change my accent. acquire a bit of the lingo. slide in. assimilate. belong. it's almost like taking up a challenge. full of the pleasant glow of a successful game taken, played and won.

and the ever surfacing existential loneliness. after the challenge is taken and conquered, the belonging is never complete.

perhaps it's a flaw in a certain societal fabric. but it's not a character defect. no, it's a cultural trait. a large enough segment of the population to represent that. a large enough segment perhaps to make up a region in california called the bay area. i don't know how i acquired it. this quality of "Americanism", stemming from a bunch of post vietnam hippie's offspring. my mom says its too much tv. and lack of control of the remote when i was a teenager. but hey look, my sister's a tv addict. and she's hooked on taiwanese soap operas. go figure.

and even worse. couple with the amazing (abracadabra!) assimilation skills, the feeling of never belonging ever, when i am at home. 18 years of this outsiderness. finally seeing some light when i left overseas. and after that revelation, the liberation. the sudden disengagement again. in this country when i fight, i don't win. all i had acquired once is for naught. gone. as before i am worthless. despair. and even more this time, because of the sweet taste in memories of something that once was. all made worse because i love them. so deeply. my rooted family. everything, so close yet so far. and so empty.

but the rush of the sorely needed belonging. thrust into me like a syringe of serum or adrenaline, positive good giving drugs, the kind that doesn't fuck up your mind or give you a down or a hangover. a much needed respite. a little line to hold onto, that aimlessless is a common experience. i don't feel so aimless anymore. no, because i can safely say out loud "I don't know what i want" and i can finally tell that truth without feeling any guilt. "I don't know what i want. Because i am searching. And it is a process. And because of certain necessary choices i have made, i am prevented from searching fast now. No, I am awaiting. And i may never find what i'm looking for. cos it may not exist. But you know what, i have an identity regardless. I am a searcher. Perhaps you could say part of the searcher types. And that's enough to know at least that my path is not taken by me alone".

so quyen, thanx for coming to visit cheryl and bringing a bit of bay area flower power back into my life. ermm i guess you didn't expect such a major trajectory from our conversation. or crazier, me to blog the whole thing down. but yeah, thanx. really. and you know what, on the way home in the car, they were playing "Seasons of Love" from the musical Rent. the lost twenty-somethings. the idealism. and oh yeah, the problem of not being able to pay the rent.

Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
How Do You Measure - Measure A Year?


that kinda really summed out my night.

i try to blog really. but thinking after a long day in front of a computer is just tough. esp since i've probably already spent the whole doing exactly that in front of the computer.

i just re-arranged my room. moved the table to the corner. slid the drums and the rug next to my bed.
it's not the perfect arrangment. hell i have a small room. but now it's all a little lower. and less claustrophobic. i like it. though the computer tables right next to the window. it may be ok at night. but when the sun's up this might be an issue.

staying awake right now as i gotta goto the servers today at 2am for a server migration. yep. that's work on a saturday night. yeah let's say i got unanimously volunteered to do this cos i'm the youngest in the team. when i was mc. but oh well i managed to negotiate a half day for this with the boss. hehehehe. yeah. so it's really quite worth it indeed :)....hmm server's still up. it's 12.16am. guess the scheduled downtime is a little late. zzzzzzzzzzzz. this better not last till 6 or something.

Yes, my not-so-new anymore Samsung X600A does take pretty snazzy pictures.

Here's an all-time favourite. Taken of Bryan at Mitre a month ago or so.



Also 3 new very tiny albums of
Chillin' at Mays, Playing at NUS Grove,
and Amber and Me.

To end all these picture updates...man blog updating is stressful, here's tonight's from Mitre.

Oh wait almost forgot here's the real finale, picture of me in a dress taken last sun 4th July at my cousin Royston's wedding. We estimate this happens once in 2 years at most.

Yay! my comments now work again. so feedback! write something in there for love and against the man!

i have shin splints from uphill training on monday. yowr. took my first session of ballet 2 today at the ymca. it was a fun class, and just the right challenge level for me (which ain't much, but i'm working at it ok?). right now, i have this great burning sensation down the whole of my legs, which is a combination of shin splints, inner thigh burn and quad cramps. spectacular! i can barely sit down. (did someone say masochistic?)

my arms are feeling a little underworked, perhaps a good round of front crawl tomorrow at the pool will fix that...

oh on another note. i just acquired - the much sought-after but always too expensive, bought a pirated version which didn't work - CSI game!!! yeah! now to find a good time to geek down and play for the whole night. and along the geek shopping spree line, i finally got a copy of Thomas Pynchon's Gravity's Rainbow. All 770 pages of it. when they said this was the Great American Novel, i didn't realise it was that "GREAT". wondering how i'm going to get through it. though according to reviews, this should be a full 770 pages of goddamn powerful 1970s cyberpunk. hell yeah, a mindtrip alright.